WORDLE STORIES

I’ve always loved films, so I decided to make a movie about my favorite board game, Chutes and Ladders. It was rejected by every film festival, but in Hasbro’s company newsletter, they gave if five stars.

Sweaty little Kevin rode his neato bicycle to the corner store on a hot summer day. He needed to replenish his body fluid, but he didn’t have the price of a bottle of Yoo-hoo, so he stuffed one in his pants. When his mother found out about his crime, she made her errant biker wear a sign reading, “I steal Yoo-hoo.” He never stole Yoo-hoo again, stealing Gatorade instead, because of the electrolytes.

A ghoul is living in my bedroom closet. He waits for me to fall asleep. I watch the glint of his eyeball through the keyhole. I am five years old. Do not factor that in when calculating your level of credulity or alarm.

They call me the Mouth from the South. I was couth in my youth, but now I tell the Truth.

I am a pig and I like to joust. I like to scout the crowd for a fair porcine maiden who might give me her scarf to wear in battle and shout my name encouragingly. “Sir Arnold! Sir Arnold!” When I take a lance to my face, the shouting stops and blood spouts from my snout.

I abhor those phony… they know who they are.

My life is taking one final journey down the drain. This has happened before, so I’m familiar with the route. My basin runneth under.

Gary at work says he doesn’t feel fully dressed unless he’s wearing a vest. Gary is so pretentious. Just give me a clean shirt and a tiara in the morning and I’m good to go.

I’m a coal miner. All the other miners used to make fun of my cheap, styrofoam helmet, but when there was a flood in the mine they all drowned because of their heavy headgear, while I was able to float to the top.

When I turned forty I decided to celebrate by taking a train around the globe, but my trip was cut short by the Atlantic Ocean.

Peter Piper picked a piece of pickled penis.

You know you have great loins when you can actually hear your thang twang. And you know you have perfect pitch when you exclaim, “D-sharp!”

I am a pious man. I work in the crucifix trade. I stick little Jesuses on crosses all day, and I believe that the Lord will smite me if I disgrace my noble calling in any way. Call me John Smith. That’s not my real name. My real name is Taylor Swift, but for obvious reasons, I’ve stopped using it.

Piety has its place, but not on the patio. You just sound foolish when you quote scripture while grilling a hot dog.

I’m in a Polish rock group. We used to be called Slate, like the rock, but too often people would confuse us with the British band, Slade. So, we changed our name to Totem, like the pole. We’re Poles - get it? We’re moderately popular in Warsaw.

My group, Totem, has just released our first album, Meet Totem. It is perfectly round. It has many beats per minute. The Warsaw Voice gave it three pierogies.