THE UNHOLY THREE

According to Chinese legend, if, on the the anniversary of Key Luke's birthday, three strangers stand nude before an idol of Win Ho, the Chines Goddess Of Fortune And Destiny, and make a common wish, Win Ho will grant that wish.

     Zina Von Eggnart read about this on a placemat in a restaurant in Chinatown and believed it immediately. "They wouldn't let them put it on a placemat if it weren't true," she reasoned.

     She finished her pu pu platter, took the placemat and went down the street to a mysterious little shop, where she bought a Win Ho idol from a mysterious little man.

     As Fate would have it, the next day was June 18th, Key Luke's birthday. Upon learning this on the Internet Movie Database, she thought, "What are the odds?" and took is as a good sign.

     At two o'clock she went down the street to the corner newsstand and bought a Powerball ticket with a potential jackpot of 20 million dollars. Then she started looking for random strangers. She went up to a gaunt man with a bad haircut and said, "Do you want to get lucky?"

     He eyed her up and down. "How much?" he replied.

     "According to the placemat, the sky's the limit!"

     "That sounds high," he said. "What placemat?"

     "What's your name?" Zina asked.

     "Karlle Pfeffernüesse," he answered.

     "Wait here a minute while I grab another stranger, Karlle," she said, and moved toward a group of passersby.

     Karlle knew he should walk away. "Why am I not walking away?" he wondered. "Why did I tell her my real name? What placemat?"

     Before he knew it Zina had returned with a big, mangy, brown mongrel.

     "Karlle, this is Bub. Bub, meet Karlle. And I'm Zina. Shall we go to my place and get undressed?"

     "Woof!" said Bub, drooling and smiling from ear to ear. He elaborated. "I'm only wearing this dog collar, but it IS rather confining! Whatever you say, Zina!"

     "Look, Lady," said Karlle, "I think I'm in way over my head here. I've got a girlfriend, a towheaded hamster and Netflix, and I don't want to risk losing any of that. Having sex with a prostitute is the next-to-last thing I want to do, right after having sex with a prostitute and a dog."

     "Karlle, I've never been good at explaining things, especially when I'm excited," said Zina. "Obviously there's been a misunderstanding."

     "I would hope so," said Karlle.

     "Damn it!" said Bub.

     Zina explained about Win Ho, Key Luke and the placemat in Chinatown, and the three strangers went to Zina's apartment.

     Karlle and Bub each gave Zina one third of the price of the Powerball ticket. The three strangers got undressed and stood naked before the cheap, gold-plated Win Ho idol. Bub began humping Karlle's leg, and Karlle took the placemat, rolled it up and whacked the mongrel on the rump.

     "I LIKE it rough, Karlle," said Bub.

     "You're an animal!" said Karlle. who had a flair for the obvious.

     "Keep it down, you two," Zina said. "Show some respect for Win Ho."

     The trio stood silently for a minute and finally Zina invoked the spirit of Win Ho, asking her to make their Powerball ticket the big winner.

     Bub suggested they stay undressed to make sure they were following the rules to the letter, since the placement didn't say anything about getting dressed again. Zina and Karlle agreed, reluctantly.

     They had several hours to kill before the live 7 o'clock Powerball drawing on TV. Zina made a pitcher of Cosmopolitans and heated up a tray of those little frozen wieners in puff pastry. Next, it was a pitcher of dirty martinis and zucchini sticks, which no one ate. Halfway through a pitcher of Alaskan Polar Bear Heaters one thing led to another and things got WAY inappropriate during a game of Twister involving Wesson Oil.

     At 6:59 they turned on the TV and watched the drawing. To their drunken dismay, not one number matched. Not even the Bonus Ball. They were dumbfounded.

     There's nothing like losing 20 million dollars to sober someone up.

     They looked at each other in shame and embarrassment. Zina reached for her muumuu, Karlle clutched his jodhpurs, and even Bub reached for his collar. "I feel so dirty," he said.

     "Me too, Bub," said Zina, sobbing. "That's why Win Ho didn't grant our wish; because we're unclean and unholy!"

     Karlle spoke up. "I hate to agree with that hound from Hell, but I too feel soiled. I only pray that Stephanie never knows what went on here today."

     "Your girlfriend won't hear about it from me, Karlle," offered Bub, trying to help.

     ""Stephanie is my hamster, you bastard."

     Just then there was a knock on the door. Zina wiped her tears, adjusted her frock and answered it. It was the mysterious little man from the mysterious little shop.

     "A thousand pardons," he said, "but I neglected to include a fortune cookie with your Win Ho idol."

     Zina thanked him politely and closed the door.

     She read the fortune aloud.

     "Confucius say, there are no strangers, only friends who have not yet met."

     "Good to know," Karlle said sarcastically. Bub growled.

     They sat silently, and Zina realized that her mistake was in introducing herself to Karlle and Bub, and getting their names in return. They were no longer strangers! It had nothing to do with the drunken depravity that had gone on all afternoon.

     She decided to keep this insight to herself, as it would only make the others feel bad. But she decided then and there to repeat the ritual the following year, minus the introductions and the drinks.

     The trio said their goodbyes awkwardly, knowing they would never meet again.

     There are no strangers, only friends who are too embarrassed to look each other in the eye.