THE AWARDS ON MY MANTELPIECE

THE OSCAR MAYER

Most Hot Dogs Lost in a Couch

THE NO BELL PRIZE

Most Alarm-clock Sleep-throughs

THE PULLET SIR

Biggest Chicken

THE LOOPY

Most Times Around the Block Searching for a Parking Space

THE IFFY

Least Dependable Boyfriend

THE JIFFY

Quickest Orgasm

THE WHOPPER

Best Congenital liar

THE SHECKY

Most Badly-told Joke at a Party

THE REZZIE

Best Fictional Job Resume

THE GEORGE AND MARTHA AWARD

Most Toxic Couple (shared)

THE WHOLE CLOTH TROPHY

For Excellence in Self-aggrandizing Storytelling

4-H CLUB CERTIFICATE OF ACHIEVEMENT

Hopelessness, Haplessness, Helplessness,, Horniness

BOY SCOUT MERIT BADGES

Traffic Safety, Fingerprinting, Masturbation

THE RED BADGE OF PORRIDGE

Most Oatmeal Eaten in one sitting

THE JAMES BEARD AWARD

Best Goatee (presented by my friend, James)

THE MICHELIN AWARD

Flabbiest Spare Tire

THE BRONZE SCHWANZ

Most Horrific Sunburn

THE BURPY

Loudest Belch

THE BOOKER T. PRIZE

Most Time Spent Listening to “Green Onions”

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: AUGUST

(We’re closed in August)

ELK OF THE YEAR

Awarded Preemptively by the Knights of Columbus

THE FIBBY

Best Performance by a Perjured Witness

CERTIFICATE OF PARTICIPATION

Presented by the Participation Society of America