OBSCURE SHOW BIZ PROFILE: BASIL HARDBOTTOM

     Basil Hardbottom grew up watching reruns of I Love Lucy. His idol was Desi Arnaz, and he wished he could live the life of Ricky Ricardo: performing in nightclubs, hanging out with Fred Mertz and sleeping with a wacky redhead.

     He couldn't afford a conga drum, but he inherited a set of bongos when his beatnik uncle died. Close enough.

     On his 50th birthday he affected a Cuban accent and took his bongos to open stage night at a local lesbian folk music club.

     He put his name on the list and waited his turn while earnest women sang Melissa Etheridge songs.

     Finally Basil got his chance. He performed Desi's signature number, Babalu. The crowd listened politely, but there was no applause when he finished. He took his bongos and walked silently through the room and out the door.

     His show business dreams shattered, he went back to his life as a lonely busboy.

     The guy waving above the illustration has nothing to do with anything.

     He's better off.