MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE, AS TOLD THROUGH PROVERBS

-- It is better to light a single flatus than to curse the darkness.

-- Fine words butter no parsnips, but who cares?

-- A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, though the same does not hold true for a package of Jimmy Dean sausages.

-- Love me, love my dog. Hate me, hate my wife.

-- A friend's eye is a good mirror. A friend's mouth is a good ashtray.

-- Anger can be an expensive luxury, but it's cheaper than Starbuck's.

-- Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. I don't get out much.

-- An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but not as well as losing your health insurance.

-- Beware of a silent dog and still water. Beware of a flatulent dog and bubbly water.

-- Don't imitate the fly before you have wings. Don't imitate The Donald before you have a dead squirrel on your head.

-- How many will listen to the truth when you tell them? (Well, not when YOU tell them. That's a bad example.)

-- If two men ride a horse, one must ride behind. If two men ride a giraffe, I don't want to think about it.

-- The right man comes at the right time. Except for the cable guy.

-- The reverse side also has a reverse side. Sleep on that one. Then roll over.

-- The palest ink is better than the best memory... I forget the rest of it.

-- The best advice is found on the pillow. The hard-to-remove stains are found on the sheets.

-- A man who does not love a horse cannot love a woman. Some restrictions may apply.

--- Death pays all debts. Conversely, my friend Herb never picks up a check.

-- Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the time
I am being carried on great wings across the sky. Yes, I am drunk.

-- The morning is wiser than the evening. The afternoon is a genius, but only compared to the middle of the night, which is a congenital nincompoop.

-- Patience is the best medicine, until the bartender notices you.

-- Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat. But you've made a friend.

-- The world is a rose: smell it and pass it on to your friends. The moon is made of green cheese: smell it and change your socks.

-- Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead. Use it to remove his head from his body.

-- Your neighbor's apples are the sweetest. This is none of your business.

-- God gives the nuts, but he doesn't crack them. By the way, have you met my wife?

-- The sun will set without any assistance, but I can still use a refill.

-- The tide tarryeth for no man. But so what? It's the TIDE, for God's sake.

-- Measure twice and cut once, then bleed profusely.

-- Revenge is a dish best served cold. Gazpacho, on the other hand, is a stupid idea.