DEAR DR. BETTY,
I'm a big fan of your column, but I never thought I'd be writing to you. Yet here I am.
I'm a 37-year-old aspiring bullfighter. I've been aspiring for many years now, but with bullfighting opportunities being what they are in this country, I still live at home with my mother.
My mother is a safety instructor for the city's recreation department. Part of her job is teaching lifeguards how to resuscitate drowning victims at city swimming pools.
One of the tools of her trade is a ResusciTina doll: a rubber, female head used to demonstrate how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. ResusciTina has a wide-open mouth, for obvious reasons, and the cutest eyes you've ever seen.
Well, the other day Mom brought ResusciTina home to show me.
Dr. Betty, I was in love!
I waited until Mom was asleep, then crept down to the living room. Over drinks I found myself confiding in ResusciTina in ways that I never had to a "real" woman. Maybe it was the Jim Beam, but she seemed more "real" than any of the women I know.
Anyway, one thing led to another, and shortly after dawn I proposed marriage.
I hid ResusciTina in the garage and returned to bed. In the morning I blamed her disappearance on the dog.
As a nationally syndicated psychologist, do you feel this is wrong?
-- DROWNING IN SHAME IN NEW HAVEN
DEAR DROWNING,
This sickens me.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY,
I recently realized that whenever a beautiful woman comes into view, I involuntarily sniff the air. This even happens if I see beautiful women on TV. Is there some biological or anthropological basis for this? Is it a connection to my caveman ancestors? Is it a connection to my noble friends in the animal kingdom? Or is it just an unfortunate habit I picked up in college?
-- NOSTRIL MAN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR NOSTRIL MAN,
This sickens me.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY,
I love your column, but in my hometown newspaper it appears on the same page as Word Jumble. My idiot husband, "Gary," LOVES Word Jumble, and on Sunday mornings he always grabs the newspaper from the front porch before I can get to it and takes that section into the bathroom. He doesn't come out for 75 to 90 minutes on average, and when he does, he has a strange look on his face and he throws that part of the paper on the coffee table in front of me. Sometimes his pajamas are on inside-out. And half the time the Word Jumble is still jumbled!
I don't know what the hell he does in there, Dr. Betty, and I don't think I want to know. But whatever it is, I don't want him getting any of it on your column!
Any advice?
-- NOT TOUCHING THE PAPER IN ALTOONA
P.S. Please don't publish your answer to this on a Sunday.
DEAR N.T.T.P,
This sickens me.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY,
My sister is insisting that her bridesmaids all wear lavender dresses at her wedding, even though she knows lavender is my least favorite color. I love my sister, but I hate lavender.
Any suggestions on how I can handle this tactfully?
-- PREFERS PINK IN PARAMUS
DEAR PINKY,
Even this sickens me.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY,
Is it tacky to re-gift presents I've received?
-- FRUGAL IN TOLEDO
DEAR FRUGAL,
I may vomit.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY:,
I notice you have a very low threshold when it comes to being sickened. What's your problem?
-- CURIOUS IN SEATTLE
P.S. Don't say this sickens you.
DEAR WISEASS,
Go fuck yourself.
* * *
DEAR DR. BETTY,
Your column about cross-dressing appeared one day late for me. Had I known you were sickened by the idea of a man wearing a pink chiffon dress with matching pumps, I would have stopped, but as it was, wearing them that extra day cost me my family, my house, my string of polo ponies and my U.S. Senate seat.
God bless you.
-- SARCASTIC IN KEY WEST
DEAR SARCASTIC,
This sickens me.